Always be prepared

August 13, 2007

Be prepared. What a great motto. I'm pretty sure it's actually the Boy Scouts official motto. Once a friend of mines father, when he was a kid, accidentally used poison ivy in lieu of toilet paper during a Boy Scout event. Be prepared for an inflamed anus. I suppose not everyones motto works for them. I really do believe in being prepared though. Here's an example... Tonight me and my girlfriend were moving a bunch of stuff out of our apartment. After a few hours of moving, we had packed the rear passenger and cargo space of her Jeep (technically she did most of the packing) with a lot of the medium to small items. Think small tables, books, lamps, some computer hardware, a fan, that sort of stuff. The stuff was packed higher than the front seats in some areas. In case of aggressive braking or maneuvering, be prepared for airborne home furnishings. The entire ride home, I slouched a bit low so that the my bucket seat protected my brain from the rear. Common sense.

The way I see it, America is getting a bit more volatile by the day. Hopefully there is some sort of political salvation in the not too distant future. Hopefully there aren't any violent repercussions from the outlandish legal maneuvers of our current administration. Hopefully our energy crisis is eventually solved, rather than generously postponed by our curiously cooperative new best friends. Now before I continue let me just say that I do consider myself a hopeful person. OK then. In case of the most unlikely scenario in which certain unnamed peoples continue to disregard the good of Americans, popular demand, widespread demonstrations, and the raging internet shit storms of bad press... be prepared for angry, hungry, desperate Americans just about everywhere you look. How am I to be prepared you say? Well this ends my lengthy preamble and begins my brief conclusion.

You're going to need a few supplies. A keen sense of impending anarchy, two big pistols, and ten to fifteen trustworthy friends. Now just as soon as your positive that things are about to get shitty, you're gonna want to get the rest of your supplies in the same room. Give one of your pistols to one of your friends, and get everyone to the nearest Super Walmart, (Assuming your sense of impending anarchy is right on target, Walmart, audaciously enough, is still open to make those last few dollars before a total economic collapse.) If any of you happen to have any drugs, you may want to take them now. With pistols concealed, one gunman, (probably you), needs to find the store manager, and the other needs to get to the hunting and fishing center with everyone else. You can probably just ask for the store manager, just make sure the pistol is not in sight when you do this. Once you have an audience with your friendly store manager, point the pistol at him, ask him for every key to every door, and ask him to get everyone out of the building, employees and patrons alike. Apply coercion as necessary. Now simultaneously, your other gun man needs to be asking the hunting and fishing attendant for the location of all the rifles and ammunition in stock. Get all of your friends armed as quickly as possible, and then proceed to assisting in the timely evacuation of everyone other than yourselves. As soon as the building is evacuated, lock all of the freight doors and fire exits, and post guards at the entrances. Now consider yourself the Baron of Castle Walmart. You should be able to survive off of stock goods for quite some time, but you will want to expand your empire as quickly as possible. A pawn shop might be a good next move.

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