US Airways a Total Jew

September 08, 2008

When it comes to airlines, I remember the good old days. Cashews every fifteen minutes. Ginger ale on the hour. The chicken or the fish? Hard rolls and hard butter. Crackers. Movies. Blankets & pillows. Free headsets. Crappy yes, but free. When I was a kid, and flew international with my family, they even had little toys. Plastic flight wings. A model 747 in a few big chunks so even a five-year-old could put it together. Not anymore. I haven't seen any of this stuff for ages. No sir. And it gets worse. How you ask? I recently took a US Airways flight to find out just that.

Let's start with them not serving meals after 8:00 PM, even on four hour plus transnational flights. Actually, let's start with them charging $7 for a soggy salad, if in fact they were serving meals, which they're not, because it's after 8:00 PM. Then there is the little TV that folds down with a terrible noise from the ceiling after the plane takes off, and begins advertising, loudly. I have not owned a TV for five years now, precisely to avoid unwelcome advertising. I wrap a scarf around my head. I sandwich my face between the window and my backpack. I can still hear it. The guy next to me flashes furtive glances in my direction as I work with what's available to stop up my ears. Let us tell you about our wonderful line of ----- products! They are delicious and refreshing! Something bubbly? Try one of our beers or cocktails! It may be difficult for you to enjoy your flight without them! Our flight attendants will be coming around shortly, and you can enjoy one of these great ----- products for just $2 to $7 dollars! (Cash only please for our coach passengers) More in this vein for fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes. It stops finally, and the TV folds up with a stiff grinding noise. And now the flight attendants are coming through. Purchase a beverage? Purchase a beverage? This had to be the trip that I forgot my mp3 player. It had to be the trip I forgot my book. Purchase a Beverage? Silence, but not for long. Did I know that if I make a purchase from the ----- catalog during this flight, I can save thirty percent? This is not on the TV, but being announced by a flight attendant on the intercom. That's $30 on a $100 purchase! Also, we are proud to announce that we are currently offering 500 sky miles to anyone who makes a purchase from our ----- catalog during this flight! 500 sky miles! I am resting my hands between my palms now, pressing hard against my ears. A few moments rest. The TV folds back down: grind, grind, grind. It flickers on. The flight attendant tells us on the intercom that they are now showing a preview for the flight's feature film. It's loud, again. I look at my feet. I wonder if movie preview narrators are specially bred on some sort of farm. Their silky smooth voices are all identical: gravel and honey. It's unnatural. Maybe it's just the same guy, and maybe the industry is fucked when he's dead. Now the flight attendant is on the intercom again, and she's telling me I can buy headphones for $5 to enjoy the audio portion of this film. The fact that everything on the TV so far has been blared on speakers doesn't strike anyone as strange, just Jewish. Oh well, at least I am guaranteed an hour and a half of silence or so. Or just twenty minutes, that's fine too, because this credit card pitch just can't wait. She's on the intercom again, and she sounds like she has told five thousand people about this today. I don't even have to maintain a balance! If I apply on the plane, I get a free companion ticket (one-way) to anywhere in the US after buying two tickets in a year! We are really happy that we can partner with ----- Bank to offer this exciting deal! Oh dear god shut up. I payed $400 for this ticket, and now I just want to be left alone. Please. They repeat the credit card pitch after the movie is over, so as not to leave anyone out. A few minutes before landing, I see a magnificent lightning storm out my window, and stare at it rapt for several minutes. I realize there is a flight attendant looming near me awkwardly, and for a moment I'm sure he's going to extract a window watching fee from me. Actually, my seat back just needs to be upright. Jew.

Tags for this piece: nonfiction travel television airplanes

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