Blue skies; a shadow monster
July 07, 2008
Sometimes, there is a hopelessness that you don't know how to avoid. It swirls in a wispy cloud behind you, thin and two dimensional at first, like a harmless shadow. Soon though, it gains a bit of weight, and begins seething and swirling. This is when you start to really take notice, and walk a bit faster. You try to stay busy, and you make sure not to look behind you, sometimes for days. It can take a really long time to catch you if you're good at running. It always will though, eventually.
When you're tired, it whispers to you in a shivering hum, its breath cool against your skin like a sea breeze, speckled with cold vapor. It tells you to keep running. It tells you that only a weak person would quit now. It tells you that it is all in your head. It says these things quietly, trying to sound comforting and genuine, but hissing its cold hiss all the while. It wants you to press on as long as you can, because whenever you're ignoring it, it is growing.
At first, it is like a dawn shadow, light and crisp - your flat, dark twin on the ground. Then it is a swirling cloud, its outline hazy and shifty. Then it doesn't even resemble you. Soon it's so big, and so cold, that you don't turn around for a week. Some nights, you wake up scared and almost instinctively look for it. Oh, but it whispers sweet comforts in its wet bubbly language, and coos you back to sleep.
Suddenly the anxiety is unbearable. You're distracted and angry, frightened and jumpy. You can't bear it any longer, and so you find a quiet place to take a look at it, to take a look at him. You tell yourself he couldn't have grown that much since last you peeked.
You couldn't be more wrong. His vapory constitution has seethed, swirled, compressed and collapsed in on itself. He is a solid wave, coming at you at unspeakable speed. The initial impact puts you on your back, with the wind knocked out of you, demanding your lungs to inhale. You gasp, choke, and then he is a frigid wave washing over you, and now you are drowning. Your body strains and twists defiantly, eyes growing wild as the oxygen in your blood diminishes. Pressure communicates up your spine and explodes hotly into your skull. Your face flushes, and tears burn hot traces down your cheeks.
Soon, determination wanes to resignation. You lie there, and soak him back into your body like a sponge. This could take several hours, and it is painfully cold and soggy. It leaves you feeling hazy and tired, and you sleep for a bit.
In time though, blue skies and sunshine will return, if only for a little while.
Tags for this piece: depression strange creative mania monster